+ reblog
mihashi finds it difficult trying to communicate with his catcher.
his catcher…
letters on the page
chicken soup for a mixed up soul
it’s ridiculous how fast my heart is beating right now. just the thought of confessing…your reaction.
my chest feels uncomfortable and no matter how many times i sigh or bury my face into my pillow, it doesn’t do anything. even now i can’t help but feel unsettled like an animal waiting for disaster to strike.
i guess…i’m just nervous. my fingers and toes are cold and i’m not sure. not sure if its from my nervousness of setting it up or if i’m afraid that you’ll reject me.
maybe the latter.
the feeling in my chest is getting unbearable.
i actually felt beautiful. the dress had a nice texture along my legs, swishing and swaying against my skin as i walked around.
“do i look pretty?”
your eyes scanned me once over and i was nervous. i knew it was coming, the way your lips pursed into a frown, your eyebrows crinkled together, disappointment glazed over your eyes.
you clucked your tongue, “if you were skinnier, it would look much better on you.”
i’m sorry.
sorry that i can’t be that perfect daughter you’ve wanted.
i was holding your hand
we were at a concert and i was holding your hand.
it was nice.
i was leaning my head on your shoulder as you squeezed my hand.
but for some reason we were under the influence of some kind of aphrodisiac…
so what we were doing….it wasn’t real
even in a dream it’s not real
i hugged you today.
i remember when i was up to your waist but now my chin rests on your shoulder.
you feel so small and frail…
you used to pick me up and spin around, but now you can’t.
daddy…you’re so frail.
They decided to stay at home for their date that night, nothing big and flashy. It’s just the two of them, alone at Red’s apartment, wrapped in a blanket on the couch watching a romance movie.
it was during a sermon, but dad was talking about his time when he went back to visit my grandparents in korea.
grandpa wanted him to fix the locks in the old folks home because their money kept getting stolen. it wasn’t much, only the offering the elderly left in their bibles.
so my dad went to a hardware store. a korean christian radio show was blasting from an old boombox, alternating between sermons and praise songs and a banner was at the top of the store, saying something very christian.
he bought the lock. the man told him it was 7000 won.
my dad returned to my grandparents to eat lunch before getting down to business. once he opened the package, he saw a tag that said the lock was 3000 won.
the man lied to him while blasting sermons from his little radio.
some people amaze me.
i know it’s going to begin as my arms start to go numb. they feel heavy upon the blanket and i try to open my eyes.
i can only see through slits. my breathing gets heavier and it’s a struggle to breath normally. it feels like there’s something on my chest but there’s nothing there.
shadows, they move in front of me, hovering over my head, flitting over to the windows, floating around just underneath the canopy.
i don’t want the nightmare to start. i know that i’ll regret it, that i’ll wake up crying or whimpering pathetically, heart beating erratically.
i try to open my eyes, but my body is tired. it refuses to cooperate. “just sleep” the shadows continue to fly around me and the only sound i hear is my heart thumping faster and faster. i’m afraid, afraid that they’re demons.
before they get closer, i finally open my eyes. my eyelids are still heavy but i manage to croak out a feeble, “in jesus’ name get away.”
they disappear after a few more times.
i sing myself to sleep.
abe peers down at mihashi’s blubbering form, “okay so let me get this straight.”
mihashi starts to laugh.
how can he get it straight if they’re on the gayseball team?
mihashi laughs.
To Amarillo del Bosque Verde, Spain
The Hodder Valley, October 17, 1804—
Dearest friend, I hope you are doing well. The recent marriage between you and the Red Baron has surprised me, but nevertheless I congratulate you on your recent celebration. I am back in my childhood manor at Hodder Valley and the nostalgia overtakes me.
